What's the deal with seafood?

Seriously, what is the deal with seafood?

Seafood eaters really need to get over themselves.

First of all, they act like it is the greatest thing in the world, and make all sorts of noises and facial expressions when you bring it up.

"Mmmm. Oh yeahhhh." [lipsmack]

Then they immediately start listing the things they like to dip their seafood in. I'm serious, just walk up to someone who you know loves seafood and say the word 'Clams.'

You don't even have to preface it with anything, just say it out of nowhere.

Clams.

"Mmmmmm. Aww yeah, clams! A little butter and lemon, some garlic. Clams."

Now I love burgers, but if you walk up to me and whisper "hamburger" in my ear, I'm not gonna start rubbing my belly going, "Mmmm. Lettuce. Ketchup. Crumpled up bacon bits. Mmmm."

Seafood is just so damn overrated. And the people who love it are so outspoken about it. I guarantee if you love seafood and are reading this right now, you are probably thinking one thing - that you're better than me. Oh, he just doesn't have a refined enough pallate. Oh, he probably eats frozen seafood from commercial grocery chains.

Whatever. Get over yourself.

Seafood barely tastes like anything, and you end up covering it in cocktail sauce or drenching it in butter.

At least admit that you like sauces and dips, and the seafood is just a slimy, mucus-esque vehicle to ingest those condiments.

It's like not chicken wing eaters are all proud of the freaking chicken. No, they appreciate the buffalo sauce and the bleu cheese. Seafood eaters can't seem to grasp this concept.

If you are picking something to use as a base, to cover in cocktail, tartar, lemon/garlic/butter sauce, you think you would pick something that didn't have the consistency of a chain smoker's hacked-up lung. But no, let's go find the grossest thing ever, and just slurp it right out of it's shell.

Lobster was considered the cockroach of the sea, and fed to the prisoners and peasants of colonial times. Fact.

Calamari tastes good. When deep-fried in batter. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE EVER. Get me a catcher's mitt, throw it in some tempura, and deep fry it. I will ask for seconds.

Crab cakes? Lobster bisque? Clams casino? Fried shrimp? All great. But what wouldn't be when mixed with those ingredients?

I'm not railing against fish here, like tilapia or bass, or even a tuna fish sandwich. Those are fine, legitimate dining options. And people who like these things don't act like they are on a higher mission from Neptune.

I am mainly referring to the clams, oysters, shrimp, and other shell-y creatures of the seaworld. (Although scallops aren't bad). Who decided those were the ones to eat? Why aren't we eating seahorses? Maybe they are just as succulent as shrimp, after being steamed and covered in a sauce specifically designed for it.

Here's the thing: I love the idea of seafood. I have great memories of being down the shore with my family, cooking up crabs with beer and Old Bay. I love the attitude behind it, chilling on a picnic table with newspaper down, sipping on some cold Miller High Life, and just relaxing. The culture behind it is fantastic. But that has nothing to do with taste, and I think people overlook this aspect of seafood.

Also, they are all bottom-dwellers, and as such, bottom-feeders. You go ahead and enjoy that little sea bug that has been stuck in a rock at the bottom of the ocean, eating the filth and debris that falls from the scales of real animals. I'll take a Kobe beef burger, from a cow that has been sung to and fed the finest grasses in all of the land (as long as I have that burger with a cold Miller High Life, on a picnic table covered in newspaper, while watching the sun go down on another beautiful summer day).

Not Burger Talk

Look at this sandwich:

http://www.seriouseats.com/2011/08/tipsy-texan-franklin-bbq-sandwich-austin-tx-texas.html

Also, have you ever heard the story of how the mushroom/pepperoni pizza came to be? Jimmy was playing a game with his dad called "tummy ticklers."

They both worked up quite the appetite, and decided to jam their two favorite toppings together (just like in tummy ticklers).

Pepperoni and mushroom, together at last.

Voila!

Large MacDonald

For my next stop on the European burger tour, I am going to request the chef to prepare two (2) all-beef patties. I would ask that these patties be accompanied by a "special sauce" of sorts (said "special sauce" should have a Thousand Island base).

We will forgo the tomato, but I do require lettuce, cheese, and onion on this burger.

Pickles? Hmmm....I think we should add some pickles. Yes! Pickles, please, kind sir.

If it's not too much to ask, I will need a "middle bun" separating the burger patties, and for the entire sandwich to be bookended by a sesame-seed bun.

That will be my next European burger.

Unconventional? You bet. Scary? Downright frightening! Alienating? Hey, we're not in this business to make friends.

Bring on this next burger, local bar/diner/gastropub to be named later!

I'll see you in hell.

The Finer Things

Someone once told me a hamburger is like a fine wine, in that you should jam it down your throat as fast as you can, over and over, until you can barely move.

Robert Smyth: Three Great Dipping Sauces

So I did that build-a-burger thing the other day.

It was pretty uneventful - I put lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, ketchup, mustard, and mayo on my burger.

I finished up by putting some chips on my plate, then started walking back past the bar, when I noticed some sauces sitting out in bowls.

The one looked like BBQ sauce, so I asked the guy, "hey, is that BBQ sauce?"

He confirmed, and then immediately offered to spoon some of that BBQ sauce onto my burger.

I kind of freaked out about this, and ended up dropping the top half of my bun, including ketchup, mustard, and pickles, onto the floor amidst the commotion.

The guy couldn't have been any more polite (which is kind of awkward). He started apologizing, even though I was the one who spilled. I told him, "I'll put it on myself," and grapped the spoon from him.

Then I threw some BBQ sauce on the burger, went back and got another bun (plus ketchup, mustard, and pickles), and walked out of there, leaving this annoyingly polite gentleman with a mess to clean up.

The moral of the story, as always, is to keep your hands off my burger.

But also: Who does this guy think he is? He is going to perfectly apply this BBQ sauce to the burger I have lovingly created? I don't think so, guy. Seems a little smug to me.

To be honest, I didn't even know if I wanted any BBQ sauce, I was just asking if that is what it was. Instead of a simple "yes, it's BBQ sauce," he goes all rogue and tries to scoop it on my burger. Chill out, buddy. Nothing worse than someone trying to be overly helpful.

Other than that, my only complaint would have been having bowls of sauce with spoons. Who wants to use a spoon to apply BBQ sauce to a burger that is already topped with lettuce, tomato, and onions? Nobody. You are forced to use the sour cream "dollop" method, which just puts a big glob of the sauce in one section. Any attempt to massage it around with the spoon and you are liable to get lettuce stuck to the spoon, or maybe even some other kind of sauce (which, for the record, I have no problem with).

Build-a-Burger Bar (Update)

I don't wanna talk about it.

Ooh...what's gonna happen next?

I get an e-mail once or twice a week telling me I will be getting lunch provided for free.

When I open the e-mail I am usually greeted with the logo of a restaurant and a description of what we will be getting.

Primo's, Qdoba, Zoup, and a bunch of other places have all been a part of Rob's free lunch lately (I can't say enough about the quality, variety, and general free-ness of this deal).

Today I opened the e-mail and it said:

Build your own burger bar.

Challenge, accepted.

My burger construction is set for this Monday, so I will get back to you with the results of my creation shortly thereafter.

Hopefully I'm im good shape from the weekend and have all my faculties about me in order to make/enjoy something special.

Yours in burger-tude,

Bobo Bobby BigWheels