What's the deal with seafood?

Seriously, what is the deal with seafood?

Seafood eaters really need to get over themselves.

First of all, they act like it is the greatest thing in the world, and make all sorts of noises and facial expressions when you bring it up.

"Mmmm. Oh yeahhhh." [lipsmack]

Then they immediately start listing the things they like to dip their seafood in. I'm serious, just walk up to someone who you know loves seafood and say the word 'Clams.'

You don't even have to preface it with anything, just say it out of nowhere.

Clams.

"Mmmmmm. Aww yeah, clams! A little butter and lemon, some garlic. Clams."

Now I love burgers, but if you walk up to me and whisper "hamburger" in my ear, I'm not gonna start rubbing my belly going, "Mmmm. Lettuce. Ketchup. Crumpled up bacon bits. Mmmm."

Seafood is just so damn overrated. And the people who love it are so outspoken about it. I guarantee if you love seafood and are reading this right now, you are probably thinking one thing - that you're better than me. Oh, he just doesn't have a refined enough pallate. Oh, he probably eats frozen seafood from commercial grocery chains.

Whatever. Get over yourself.

Seafood barely tastes like anything, and you end up covering it in cocktail sauce or drenching it in butter.

At least admit that you like sauces and dips, and the seafood is just a slimy, mucus-esque vehicle to ingest those condiments.

It's like not chicken wing eaters are all proud of the freaking chicken. No, they appreciate the buffalo sauce and the bleu cheese. Seafood eaters can't seem to grasp this concept.

If you are picking something to use as a base, to cover in cocktail, tartar, lemon/garlic/butter sauce, you think you would pick something that didn't have the consistency of a chain smoker's hacked-up lung. But no, let's go find the grossest thing ever, and just slurp it right out of it's shell.

Lobster was considered the cockroach of the sea, and fed to the prisoners and peasants of colonial times. Fact.

Calamari tastes good. When deep-fried in batter. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE EVER. Get me a catcher's mitt, throw it in some tempura, and deep fry it. I will ask for seconds.

Crab cakes? Lobster bisque? Clams casino? Fried shrimp? All great. But what wouldn't be when mixed with those ingredients?

I'm not railing against fish here, like tilapia or bass, or even a tuna fish sandwich. Those are fine, legitimate dining options. And people who like these things don't act like they are on a higher mission from Neptune.

I am mainly referring to the clams, oysters, shrimp, and other shell-y creatures of the seaworld. (Although scallops aren't bad). Who decided those were the ones to eat? Why aren't we eating seahorses? Maybe they are just as succulent as shrimp, after being steamed and covered in a sauce specifically designed for it.

Here's the thing: I love the idea of seafood. I have great memories of being down the shore with my family, cooking up crabs with beer and Old Bay. I love the attitude behind it, chilling on a picnic table with newspaper down, sipping on some cold Miller High Life, and just relaxing. The culture behind it is fantastic. But that has nothing to do with taste, and I think people overlook this aspect of seafood.

Also, they are all bottom-dwellers, and as such, bottom-feeders. You go ahead and enjoy that little sea bug that has been stuck in a rock at the bottom of the ocean, eating the filth and debris that falls from the scales of real animals. I'll take a Kobe beef burger, from a cow that has been sung to and fed the finest grasses in all of the land (as long as I have that burger with a cold Miller High Life, on a picnic table covered in newspaper, while watching the sun go down on another beautiful summer day).