Hot Dogs v. Hamburgers

America Day is fast approaching, and there is nothing more American than a burger.

(maybe hot dogs?)

Actually, yeah. Maybe hot dogs. Let's think about this for a second....

Okay, here we go. 5 rounds to determine the more American meat sandwich.

Cook-outs are extremely American. Grilling meat on an open flame while getting steadily drunk, and then shooting firecrackers into your neighbor's yard? I'm pretty sure that's why George Washington bombed the British. And what is the number one thing to have at a cook-out? Hamburgers and hotdogs.

Round 1: Tie

Okay, so we are tied after one round, but here is why I think hot dogs may be able to edge out hamburgers on the More American scale: hot dog eating contests.

Jamming hot dogs down our faces is as American as apple pie...or at least as American as jamming apple pie down our faces.

When you combine one awesome thing (like eating) with another awesome thing (like competition), you are following the blueprints that made this country what it is.

So the hot dog eating contest is another extremely American thing, like cook-outs, except top billing is clearly reserved for the hot dog.

Round 2: Hot dogs

So we've got cook-outs and hot-dog eating contests, what else is American? Oh, right. Baseball.

What do you eat at a baseball game? Hot dogs.

Damn, this is not looking good for hamburgers.

Round 3: Hot dogs

Next I'm going to take a look at toppings. Getting to choose whatever you want to put on your food, and in whatever quantity, is the number one reason why I live in this country. (Anyone who has been to Europe knows what I'm talking about. They keep their ketchup packets under lock and key over there...and the stuff is barely even ketchup. I'm pretty sure they are going to start putting coin slots on the salt and pepper shakers soon enough.)

Anyway, which food is more topping/condiment/fix-in ready? Well, hamburgers go great with the standard LTO, and you can mix in ketchup, mustard, mayo, BBQ, or a number of other sauces. Plus, you can get specialty burgers with bacon, fancy cheeses, peppers, fried eggs, whatever.

And guess what? You can do pretty much the same thing with hot dogs these days. Grab that puppy and drag it through the garden - lettuce, tomato, onion, celery salt, peppers, relish, ketchup, mustard, bacon, chili, again, whatever.

Round 4: Tie

It's not looking good for hamburger, but there is one last round, and as the lightning round, it is worth 3 points. Also, it is not so much a round as it is a story.

In the spring of 1774, Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were wrestling with an alligator in the Pennsylvania swamps. After subduing it, they got into a huge argument about who would have "first dibs" with said gator.

TJ's argument was valid - Benny Franks was a well-known womanizer, and Jefferson did not want to catch a case of whatever it is he had. Also, just last week they had tricked a goat into coming back with them after a night at the local tavern, and Franklin got to go first that time. So it seemed like it should have been TJ's chance to go first. However, Franklin had called dibs.

The two men argued over that fateful night, which had led to a case of crabs for both TJ and the gator, for about 2 years. Finally, all their friends, sick of seeing them fight, invited them to a party. The original argument was restored that day, and all the talk about fairness and equality when it comes to dibs inspired these men so much that they sat down right there and banged out a declaration.

Oh, and at this party, do you know what was being served? Hamburgers!

That's right, America was founded by hamburgers.

Round 5: Hamburgers (3 points)

Final Tally

Hot Dogs: 4

Hamburgers: 5

Congratulations, hamburgers! You are a true king among men.

It is days like these that make me proud to be on a European Burger Tour Starring Northern Liberties!

Oh, and don't be fooled. European Burger Tours are one of the most American things a man can do.

UMAMI

"It means laundry, but like a child's laundry. We don't really have a word for it."

Oh, Hello.

Oh, hello.

We are coming right back at ya with some European Burger Tour posts.

I know from the looks of things, it would appear Rob and Jimmy are not getting out and rating burgers based on taste and mouthfeel.

"Rob," you might be saying, "there is not a single burger rating on the site. The closest you have come to describing a burger is a hypothetical description of a burger you may have been in the mood for on some random Tuesday in May."

Well, fair point.

However, smart guy, I'll have you know that Rob and Jimmy went on a burger tour last night, to the world famous Standard Tap of Northern Liberties, and we graded said burgers just like we always do - on taste and mouthfeel.

But whatever, I'm not gonna get into that right now. Neither the time nor the place.

What I am going to do right now is discuss a few burger-related topics that have been popping up on the burger-blog-o-sphere

1) Buns.

The average reader might think buns are just there to keep your hands away from the meat and the meat away from your hands. That is not true. Buns are very important. Fancy places like to use these brioche buns but I think they mess with the integrity of the sandwich. I like a good ol' fashioned potato roll, or one of those fake-Kaiser rolls that Martin's makes.

The important thing about the bun is it needs to hold the sandwich together, absorb any burger juiciness, but also not get in the way of the main ingredients. If you take a bite that is mostly bun with a little bit of meat, you're either eating that burger wrong or you have the wrong style bun. Cheesesteak afficianodos will know what I'm talking about.

2) Avocado.

We here at the European Burger Tour don't discriminate. You want avocado on your burger, you got it. You want chili or a fried egg or some peanut butter? Sure, why not? You want roast duck with the mango salsa? Well, that might be a little expensive, but fine. I'm not used to that, but that's fine. The point is, put whatever you want on your burger. As long as it tastes good.

3) Beverages.

Beers. Beers for the gang. Although Root Beer, Cherry Coke, and Water are all acceptable. Milkshakes are okay, I guess, but then you still have to order a drink, cuz they make you thirsty. That's the thing about milkshakes.

Now when it comes to the beers, I'm a sampler. I will order one beer, then another kind, then another. You might think that's crazy but it's just how I roll. So feel free to try it out. Here's a standard 3-beer arc: IPA when you sit down and order, Lager when the food arrives, and a Pilsner for after the meal. The IPA has a little bite, and is a nice first beer after work. The lager has some taste but is not as dry as the IPA, so it goes well with washing down a burger, and the Pilsner has a lot of bubbles and is a good after-beer. Feel free to substitute a glass of vodka for that Pilsner if you like.

A Dilemna in Burger World...

Oh European Burger Tours...how I love thee.

I love the way you smell, I love the way you taste, I love the way you make me feel.

And when I get to do a European Burger Tour starring Northern Liberties with my Team Get Things Done partner, Jimbo Jones, it just makes it all the more special.

But I have a dilemna.

One that I am not comfortable sharing, but need to get off my chest...

...

I kinda wanna try that new Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Chick-Fil-A.

I know. Blasphemy, right?

One part of me is like, "Rob, what are you thinking? You're a burger guy...you eat them and them rate them based on taste and mouthfeel. Chicken Sammich? Puh-leeaze!"

But then another part of me is like, "Rob, you are a sandwich guy. You love when some sort of meat is placed between some sort of bread, and then smothered with delicious toppings and condiments. Don't pigeonhole yourself!"

So that is where I am.

These two different voices in my head are making me feel some sort of feeling.

I'm not gonna lie, this "feeling" has kept me up at night. I tried to express the feeling I was feeling, but words were not working, so I did what any reasonable person would do:

I drew a picture of how I felt, jammed it into my computer, and sat back waiting for a response from the internets.

As of right now, they have not gotten back to me, but I am patiently waiting....

...

Wait, I think I hear something!

...

Yes, the internets have processed my feelings and assigned a word to describe them:

"Hungry."