Cutting Your Burger In Half

I'll do it sometimes. I don't care.

Some people act like cutting your burger in half is for you-know-whos.

They think a man should just dive right in, and bite that burger.

But guys cut sandwiches and cheesesteaks in half. So what's the big deal?

I get it from the point of view of not wanting to let all the juices seep out, but that's not gonna stop me from cutting a burger if I really want to.

Especially a really big burger. They can be hard to eat. And everyone knows the middle bites are the best - that's where all the ketchup and pickles are, and such.

When it comes to regular sandwiches, I will cut those things in half in a heartbeat. That way, the crust is at the back of the bite, not the front.

Now, there is a lot of talk these days about "knife and fork" sandwiches. That, I feel, is taking things a little too far. The whole point of a sandwich is you can eat it with your hands. Cutting a hamburger in half doesn't change that.

But when the whole sandwich requires a knife and fork at the ready, that is a different story.

However, reubens and tuna melts are still pretty awesome. Especially with a pickle and chips.

What Are You Going To Be For Thanksgiving (WAYGTBFT)?

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, a decidely non-burgercentric holiday.*

I have posted a link, which is from a decidely non-burgercentric blog.

It is not about Thanksgiving, but is timely nonetheless, as it discusses the destruction of the Spectrum (which began yesterday and will continue for some time).

http://the2-1-5.blogspot.com/2008/07/rip.html

*I have eaten, and enjoyed, both a veggie burger and a turkey burger in the past 6 months.

Cheese(burger)monger

That is all.

The Condiment Station

Ketchup, yellow mustard, spicy mustard.

This is as bare bones as a condiment station should ever get.

Ideally, I would like some fix'ens involved. Pickles, onions, relish, sauerkraut. All good choices.

If you want to include mayo packets and/or BBQ sauce, that is fine by me.

But let's get one thing straight - if you are in charge of the condiment station, you need to man up and get both the yellow and spicy varieties of our favorite mustard-based sauce (mustard).

I bought a hot dog at a high school football game recently, and walked over to the condiment station to dress that puppy up, when I noticed the tubs of ketchup and yellow mustard were my only options.

Seriously, who would not factor in the spicy mustard when making plans for the day?

Did they just overlook it? If that is the case, why are they in charge of condiment stations in the first place? Get someone with a little passion!

Do they think everyone just uses yellow mustard, or that there is not much of a difference? If there is someone that distended from reality, I would certainly hope they are not employed by a high school, corrupting the minds of our youth.

Maybe it just wasn't in the budget. I would actually take this excuse the best.

If you can only choose one mustard, you have to go yellow over spicy. Sure, you and I know spicy is the superior mustard. But we can deal with it being excluded. It's that kind of hard-nosed, living-on-the-edge mentality that allows us to appreciate the bold and nuanced flavors of spicy mustard. But those yellow mustard eaters? Forget about it. They would absolutely freak out if yellow mustard were excluded. Because that shit is for pussies.

A Big Win for the Good Guys

I order delivery online all the time.

It's the greatest- you just click on the item you want, and then a whole drop-down menu comes up with a million options: green peppers, red peppers, onions, salt, ketchup, pickles, whatever. Then you just click the box next to whatever add-ons you want.

There is no having to worry about the person on the phone writing your order down just right, and you can specify stuff like lite mayo, extra-cripsy fries, etc... The stuff you are sometimes too polite to ask for when putting in a big order on the phone.

There are plenty of other conveniences, like it saving your addres and credit card number, and a status bar that shows you how the order is coming along.

That last little feature was pretty cool, I thought. Sometimes I can be impatient, like when I order food when I'm already really hungry.

There was one problem with it, though. The status bar had three sections - ordered, made, and delivered.

Now, I already know when the food is ordered. I ordered it. And I will know when it is delivered, so those two options didn't really do much for me. The only useful one was 'Made.'

So I wrote an e-mail through the website and said something like, "I love ordering online, blah blah blah. One suggestion: change the status bar to ordered, being made, on the way, and delivered."

And they did.

I ordered online last night and it looked exactly like that.

Score one for the good guys!

Tomato Pie vs. Cheesy Bread

This doesn't have much to do with burgers, but I'm going to ask it anyway.

What do you like better on your pizza, the sauce or the cheese?

I personally like the sauce better. Sometimes I order pizza with extra sauce (as opposed to the ultimate tv show and movie pizza order: large, extra-cheese).

I like it when it is really dark and red, and sweet. I like that bite, down near the crust, when there is just a little bit of cheese, and a good portion of the sauce. That tastes great to me.

Whenever they show deep dish/Chicago style pizzas, the sauce always looks real good to me. I'm not sure why, though.

Lorenzo's on South St. has some very sweet tomato sauce, but just about everywhere it is pretty good, as long as there is enough of it.

Jimmy likes the cheese better. He would prefer an extra-cheese pizza to an extra-sauce pizza. I feel like that is the more common choice.

Something about real cheesy pizza doesn't work for me. It makes it salty and it makes me thirsty.

I am a sauce guy, though, as everyone knows. So I guess this shouldn't be surprising.

There is a pizza place in South Philly that does "upside-down" pizza, with the cheese on top of the crust and the sauce on top of the cheese.

I'm not going to provide a link though.

Oh, and as you may have guessed, I'll take the tomato pie over the cheesy bread (unless there is a really great dipping sauce for that cheesy bread).

Weird

I have just stumbled across a weird little database....the final meal requests of death row inmates in Texas.

Spooky, right?

I know.

Luckily, we are a few days before Halloween, so this kind of morbid curiosity is allowed this time of year.

After perusing, I have decided that the three most common requests were: Steak, Fried Chicken, and Cheeseburgers.

There ya go, cheeseburgers! Another thing to hang your hat on: One of the 3 Most Popular Food Requests for Death Row Inmates in Texas between the Years 1982-2003, Unofficially.

I think that would look pretty good on a ribbon!

Anyway, I was kind of fascinated by this. With these inmates having been subjected to prison food for the past few years, and knowing full well that they were dying after it, they tend to be a little over-the-top.

This is literally a random one I copied and pasted, other requests were even more ridiculous, but still:

Twelve beef ribs, three enchiladas, chicken fried steak with cream gravy, crisp bacon sandwich, ketchup, a loaf of bread, cobbler, three Cokes, three root beer, French fries, and onion rings

My favorite parts are the crisp bacon sandwich (is that like a BLT, minus the L and T...aka a B?) and the loaf of bread.

I'm not gonna lie, I got a little hungry after reading some of these. Clearly, death row inmates are not worried about counting calories.

I could go on and on with some of these outlandish requests, but after a while they all tend to blend together.

The ones that struck me, though, were the "alternative" requests by some inmates.

Here are some of those:

-One cup of hot tea (from tea bags) and six chocolate chip cookies

-Cool Whip and cherries

-1 bag of assorted Jolly Ranchers

-Chocolate birthday cake with "2/23/90" written on top, seven pink candles, one coconut, kiwi fruit juice, pineapple juice, one mango, grapes, lettuce, cottage cheese, peaches, one banana, one delicious apple, chef salad without meat and with thousand island dressing, fruit salad, cheese, and tomato slices (A lot to think about here, esp. considering he was executed on 6/26/01. I'm thinking vegetarian).

-1 jar of dill pickles (yikes)

-1/2 dozen sunny side up fried eggs, 8 pieces of pan sausage, 6 slices of toast with butter and grape jelly, crispy hash browns, milk and orange juice (gotta like the breakfast angle)

-Justice, Equality, World Peace (a little pretentious, if you ask me)

-1 apple, 1 orange, 1 banana, coconut, and peaches (with a diet like that you'll be nothing but skin and bones!)

-Asked that final meal be provided to a homeless person (where was that selfless attitude before?)

-No preference. Asked for whatever was on the menu (chili dogs, baked beans, corn and peanut butter cookies) (sooooo many questions for this man)

A lot of people flat out refused their last meal. I can understand that. But the guy who said 'No preference'???? I mean, come on. You're clearly hungry, and aren't trying to make a statement by turning down your meal, and they offered to make you anything you want! 'No Preference'??!!?! Whether you believe in the death penalty or not, I think the world is a better place with that man gone.

So what would you pick as your last meal? You don't have to worry about it making you fat or unhealthy or causing cancer a couple years down the line.

By the way, the way I got to this last meal request was by looking at the wikipedia page for Ronald O'Bryan, who poisoned his son's Halloween candy to collect on a life insurance policy (see, it all comes back to Halloween). Gotta say, not a bad choice:

T-bone steak (medium to well done), french fries with ketchup, whole kernel corn, sweet peas, a lettuce and tomato salad with egg and French dressing, iced tea, sweetener, saltines, Boston cream pie, and rolls.

My only issues are the steak should be medium rare, and the salad should have more on it.

Thoughts? You can pick anything you want.

But if you pick 'No preference' I will stop being your friend.

What's your opinion on Bread & Butter pickles?

I used to think I really liked them but now I'm not so sure.

Substance Abuse?

A friend recently told me he had a cheeseburger-eating problem.

Does eating cheeseburgers negatively impact your relationships? Has eating a cheeseburger ever caused you to miss school or work? Do you eat cheeseburgers when you are depressed or angry? Have you ever lied to family or friends about eating cheeseburgers?

No.

Apparently he's just lactose-intolerant.

¡Mas hamburgersas, por favor!

¡Gracias!

Hot Dogs v. Hamburgers

America Day is fast approaching, and there is nothing more American than a burger.

(maybe hot dogs?)

Actually, yeah. Maybe hot dogs. Let's think about this for a second....

Okay, here we go. 5 rounds to determine the more American meat sandwich.

Cook-outs are extremely American. Grilling meat on an open flame while getting steadily drunk, and then shooting firecrackers into your neighbor's yard? I'm pretty sure that's why George Washington bombed the British. And what is the number one thing to have at a cook-out? Hamburgers and hotdogs.

Round 1: Tie

Okay, so we are tied after one round, but here is why I think hot dogs may be able to edge out hamburgers on the More American scale: hot dog eating contests.

Jamming hot dogs down our faces is as American as apple pie...or at least as American as jamming apple pie down our faces.

When you combine one awesome thing (like eating) with another awesome thing (like competition), you are following the blueprints that made this country what it is.

So the hot dog eating contest is another extremely American thing, like cook-outs, except top billing is clearly reserved for the hot dog.

Round 2: Hot dogs

So we've got cook-outs and hot-dog eating contests, what else is American? Oh, right. Baseball.

What do you eat at a baseball game? Hot dogs.

Damn, this is not looking good for hamburgers.

Round 3: Hot dogs

Next I'm going to take a look at toppings. Getting to choose whatever you want to put on your food, and in whatever quantity, is the number one reason why I live in this country. (Anyone who has been to Europe knows what I'm talking about. They keep their ketchup packets under lock and key over there...and the stuff is barely even ketchup. I'm pretty sure they are going to start putting coin slots on the salt and pepper shakers soon enough.)

Anyway, which food is more topping/condiment/fix-in ready? Well, hamburgers go great with the standard LTO, and you can mix in ketchup, mustard, mayo, BBQ, or a number of other sauces. Plus, you can get specialty burgers with bacon, fancy cheeses, peppers, fried eggs, whatever.

And guess what? You can do pretty much the same thing with hot dogs these days. Grab that puppy and drag it through the garden - lettuce, tomato, onion, celery salt, peppers, relish, ketchup, mustard, bacon, chili, again, whatever.

Round 4: Tie

It's not looking good for hamburger, but there is one last round, and as the lightning round, it is worth 3 points. Also, it is not so much a round as it is a story.

In the spring of 1774, Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were wrestling with an alligator in the Pennsylvania swamps. After subduing it, they got into a huge argument about who would have "first dibs" with said gator.

TJ's argument was valid - Benny Franks was a well-known womanizer, and Jefferson did not want to catch a case of whatever it is he had. Also, just last week they had tricked a goat into coming back with them after a night at the local tavern, and Franklin got to go first that time. So it seemed like it should have been TJ's chance to go first. However, Franklin had called dibs.

The two men argued over that fateful night, which had led to a case of crabs for both TJ and the gator, for about 2 years. Finally, all their friends, sick of seeing them fight, invited them to a party. The original argument was restored that day, and all the talk about fairness and equality when it comes to dibs inspired these men so much that they sat down right there and banged out a declaration.

Oh, and at this party, do you know what was being served? Hamburgers!

That's right, America was founded by hamburgers.

Round 5: Hamburgers (3 points)

Final Tally

Hot Dogs: 4

Hamburgers: 5

Congratulations, hamburgers! You are a true king among men.

It is days like these that make me proud to be on a European Burger Tour Starring Northern Liberties!

Oh, and don't be fooled. European Burger Tours are one of the most American things a man can do.

UMAMI

"It means laundry, but like a child's laundry. We don't really have a word for it."

Oh, Hello.

Oh, hello.

We are coming right back at ya with some European Burger Tour posts.

I know from the looks of things, it would appear Rob and Jimmy are not getting out and rating burgers based on taste and mouthfeel.

"Rob," you might be saying, "there is not a single burger rating on the site. The closest you have come to describing a burger is a hypothetical description of a burger you may have been in the mood for on some random Tuesday in May."

Well, fair point.

However, smart guy, I'll have you know that Rob and Jimmy went on a burger tour last night, to the world famous Standard Tap of Northern Liberties, and we graded said burgers just like we always do - on taste and mouthfeel.

But whatever, I'm not gonna get into that right now. Neither the time nor the place.

What I am going to do right now is discuss a few burger-related topics that have been popping up on the burger-blog-o-sphere

1) Buns.

The average reader might think buns are just there to keep your hands away from the meat and the meat away from your hands. That is not true. Buns are very important. Fancy places like to use these brioche buns but I think they mess with the integrity of the sandwich. I like a good ol' fashioned potato roll, or one of those fake-Kaiser rolls that Martin's makes.

The important thing about the bun is it needs to hold the sandwich together, absorb any burger juiciness, but also not get in the way of the main ingredients. If you take a bite that is mostly bun with a little bit of meat, you're either eating that burger wrong or you have the wrong style bun. Cheesesteak afficianodos will know what I'm talking about.

2) Avocado.

We here at the European Burger Tour don't discriminate. You want avocado on your burger, you got it. You want chili or a fried egg or some peanut butter? Sure, why not? You want roast duck with the mango salsa? Well, that might be a little expensive, but fine. I'm not used to that, but that's fine. The point is, put whatever you want on your burger. As long as it tastes good.

3) Beverages.

Beers. Beers for the gang. Although Root Beer, Cherry Coke, and Water are all acceptable. Milkshakes are okay, I guess, but then you still have to order a drink, cuz they make you thirsty. That's the thing about milkshakes.

Now when it comes to the beers, I'm a sampler. I will order one beer, then another kind, then another. You might think that's crazy but it's just how I roll. So feel free to try it out. Here's a standard 3-beer arc: IPA when you sit down and order, Lager when the food arrives, and a Pilsner for after the meal. The IPA has a little bite, and is a nice first beer after work. The lager has some taste but is not as dry as the IPA, so it goes well with washing down a burger, and the Pilsner has a lot of bubbles and is a good after-beer. Feel free to substitute a glass of vodka for that Pilsner if you like.

A Dilemna in Burger World...

Oh European Burger Tours...how I love thee.

I love the way you smell, I love the way you taste, I love the way you make me feel.

And when I get to do a European Burger Tour starring Northern Liberties with my Team Get Things Done partner, Jimbo Jones, it just makes it all the more special.

But I have a dilemna.

One that I am not comfortable sharing, but need to get off my chest...

...

I kinda wanna try that new Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Chick-Fil-A.

I know. Blasphemy, right?

One part of me is like, "Rob, what are you thinking? You're a burger guy...you eat them and them rate them based on taste and mouthfeel. Chicken Sammich? Puh-leeaze!"

But then another part of me is like, "Rob, you are a sandwich guy. You love when some sort of meat is placed between some sort of bread, and then smothered with delicious toppings and condiments. Don't pigeonhole yourself!"

So that is where I am.

These two different voices in my head are making me feel some sort of feeling.

I'm not gonna lie, this "feeling" has kept me up at night. I tried to express the feeling I was feeling, but words were not working, so I did what any reasonable person would do:

I drew a picture of how I felt, jammed it into my computer, and sat back waiting for a response from the internets.

As of right now, they have not gotten back to me, but I am patiently waiting....

...

Wait, I think I hear something!

...

Yes, the internets have processed my feelings and assigned a word to describe them:

"Hungry."

Return of the Captain and the King

Great news!

A certain European burger tour (starring Northern Liberties) is back in action. Do you know which one?

You guessed it...it's Rob and Jimmy's European Burger Tour Starring Northern Liberties that is back in action.

This is probably one of the greatest European Burger Tours to ever exist, and you have the honor and privilege of having it occur right now, during the prime years of your life.

You may be wondering what we have been up to for the past few months...I mean, no updates or posts since November? What up with dat?

Well I will tell you what up with dat, smart guy!

If you know anything about a European Burger Tour, you should know that they do not take place during the wintertime. It is a tradition that goes back to medieval times, when lions would roam around the wintry European forests looking to eat guys like me and Jimmy.

In modern days, the time-off is used to Get Things Done.

For example, I got my car washed, and have completed over 4 internet quizzes rating my IQ and personality type.

I'm pretty sure Jimbo swung by his parents' house to pick up a few things. He also mentioned seeing a cat. I think it was just a stray, maybe a tom?

Bottom line, we had our hands full.

So we have been pretty pretty busy lately, but now we are ready to dust off the cobwebs and start experiencing the delight that can only be achieved by combining Rob and Jimmy, a European Burger Tour, and Northern Liberties.

There are plenty of ways to end this post, but I am going to do it the only way I know how -

Describing the type of burger I am in the mood for RIGHT NOW.

Without further ado:

Ye Olde 4 PM on a Wednesday in May with Partly Cloudy Skies Burger

1 all beef patty
Swiss Cheese
Carmalized Onions
Mustard
Mayo
A Few Jalapenos
Bun

I have never had a burger like this before. And I left off ketchup but I'm not so sure about that. One thing to say is that there are no chilled ingredients. So it's got that going for it.

Let the touring begin!