What's the deal with seafood?

Seriously, what is the deal with seafood?

Seafood eaters really need to get over themselves.

First of all, they act like it is the greatest thing in the world, and make all sorts of noises and facial expressions when you bring it up.

"Mmmm. Oh yeahhhh." [lipsmack]

Then they immediately start listing the things they like to dip their seafood in. I'm serious, just walk up to someone who you know loves seafood and say the word 'Clams.'

You don't even have to preface it with anything, just say it out of nowhere.

Clams.

"Mmmmmm. Aww yeah, clams! A little butter and lemon, some garlic. Clams."

Now I love burgers, but if you walk up to me and whisper "hamburger" in my ear, I'm not gonna start rubbing my belly going, "Mmmm. Lettuce. Ketchup. Crumpled up bacon bits. Mmmm."

Seafood is just so damn overrated. And the people who love it are so outspoken about it. I guarantee if you love seafood and are reading this right now, you are probably thinking one thing - that you're better than me. Oh, he just doesn't have a refined enough pallate. Oh, he probably eats frozen seafood from commercial grocery chains.

Whatever. Get over yourself.

Seafood barely tastes like anything, and you end up covering it in cocktail sauce or drenching it in butter.

At least admit that you like sauces and dips, and the seafood is just a slimy, mucus-esque vehicle to ingest those condiments.

It's like not chicken wing eaters are all proud of the freaking chicken. No, they appreciate the buffalo sauce and the bleu cheese. Seafood eaters can't seem to grasp this concept.

If you are picking something to use as a base, to cover in cocktail, tartar, lemon/garlic/butter sauce, you think you would pick something that didn't have the consistency of a chain smoker's hacked-up lung. But no, let's go find the grossest thing ever, and just slurp it right out of it's shell.

Lobster was considered the cockroach of the sea, and fed to the prisoners and peasants of colonial times. Fact.

Calamari tastes good. When deep-fried in batter. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE EVER. Get me a catcher's mitt, throw it in some tempura, and deep fry it. I will ask for seconds.

Crab cakes? Lobster bisque? Clams casino? Fried shrimp? All great. But what wouldn't be when mixed with those ingredients?

I'm not railing against fish here, like tilapia or bass, or even a tuna fish sandwich. Those are fine, legitimate dining options. And people who like these things don't act like they are on a higher mission from Neptune.

I am mainly referring to the clams, oysters, shrimp, and other shell-y creatures of the seaworld. (Although scallops aren't bad). Who decided those were the ones to eat? Why aren't we eating seahorses? Maybe they are just as succulent as shrimp, after being steamed and covered in a sauce specifically designed for it.

Here's the thing: I love the idea of seafood. I have great memories of being down the shore with my family, cooking up crabs with beer and Old Bay. I love the attitude behind it, chilling on a picnic table with newspaper down, sipping on some cold Miller High Life, and just relaxing. The culture behind it is fantastic. But that has nothing to do with taste, and I think people overlook this aspect of seafood.

Also, they are all bottom-dwellers, and as such, bottom-feeders. You go ahead and enjoy that little sea bug that has been stuck in a rock at the bottom of the ocean, eating the filth and debris that falls from the scales of real animals. I'll take a Kobe beef burger, from a cow that has been sung to and fed the finest grasses in all of the land (as long as I have that burger with a cold Miller High Life, on a picnic table covered in newspaper, while watching the sun go down on another beautiful summer day).

Not Burger Talk

Look at this sandwich:

http://www.seriouseats.com/2011/08/tipsy-texan-franklin-bbq-sandwich-austin-tx-texas.html

Also, have you ever heard the story of how the mushroom/pepperoni pizza came to be? Jimmy was playing a game with his dad called "tummy ticklers."

They both worked up quite the appetite, and decided to jam their two favorite toppings together (just like in tummy ticklers).

Pepperoni and mushroom, together at last.

Voila!

Large MacDonald

For my next stop on the European burger tour, I am going to request the chef to prepare two (2) all-beef patties. I would ask that these patties be accompanied by a "special sauce" of sorts (said "special sauce" should have a Thousand Island base).

We will forgo the tomato, but I do require lettuce, cheese, and onion on this burger.

Pickles? Hmmm....I think we should add some pickles. Yes! Pickles, please, kind sir.

If it's not too much to ask, I will need a "middle bun" separating the burger patties, and for the entire sandwich to be bookended by a sesame-seed bun.

That will be my next European burger.

Unconventional? You bet. Scary? Downright frightening! Alienating? Hey, we're not in this business to make friends.

Bring on this next burger, local bar/diner/gastropub to be named later!

I'll see you in hell.

The Finer Things

Someone once told me a hamburger is like a fine wine, in that you should jam it down your throat as fast as you can, over and over, until you can barely move.

Robert Smyth: Three Great Dipping Sauces

So I did that build-a-burger thing the other day.

It was pretty uneventful - I put lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, ketchup, mustard, and mayo on my burger.

I finished up by putting some chips on my plate, then started walking back past the bar, when I noticed some sauces sitting out in bowls.

The one looked like BBQ sauce, so I asked the guy, "hey, is that BBQ sauce?"

He confirmed, and then immediately offered to spoon some of that BBQ sauce onto my burger.

I kind of freaked out about this, and ended up dropping the top half of my bun, including ketchup, mustard, and pickles, onto the floor amidst the commotion.

The guy couldn't have been any more polite (which is kind of awkward). He started apologizing, even though I was the one who spilled. I told him, "I'll put it on myself," and grapped the spoon from him.

Then I threw some BBQ sauce on the burger, went back and got another bun (plus ketchup, mustard, and pickles), and walked out of there, leaving this annoyingly polite gentleman with a mess to clean up.

The moral of the story, as always, is to keep your hands off my burger.

But also: Who does this guy think he is? He is going to perfectly apply this BBQ sauce to the burger I have lovingly created? I don't think so, guy. Seems a little smug to me.

To be honest, I didn't even know if I wanted any BBQ sauce, I was just asking if that is what it was. Instead of a simple "yes, it's BBQ sauce," he goes all rogue and tries to scoop it on my burger. Chill out, buddy. Nothing worse than someone trying to be overly helpful.

Other than that, my only complaint would have been having bowls of sauce with spoons. Who wants to use a spoon to apply BBQ sauce to a burger that is already topped with lettuce, tomato, and onions? Nobody. You are forced to use the sour cream "dollop" method, which just puts a big glob of the sauce in one section. Any attempt to massage it around with the spoon and you are liable to get lettuce stuck to the spoon, or maybe even some other kind of sauce (which, for the record, I have no problem with).

Build-a-Burger Bar (Update)

I don't wanna talk about it.

Ooh...what's gonna happen next?

I get an e-mail once or twice a week telling me I will be getting lunch provided for free.

When I open the e-mail I am usually greeted with the logo of a restaurant and a description of what we will be getting.

Primo's, Qdoba, Zoup, and a bunch of other places have all been a part of Rob's free lunch lately (I can't say enough about the quality, variety, and general free-ness of this deal).

Today I opened the e-mail and it said:

Build your own burger bar.

Challenge, accepted.

My burger construction is set for this Monday, so I will get back to you with the results of my creation shortly thereafter.

Hopefully I'm im good shape from the weekend and have all my faculties about me in order to make/enjoy something special.

Yours in burger-tude,

Bobo Bobby BigWheels

Bacon, Egg & Cheeseburger

Maybe there should be a breakfast burger?

Maybe there should be a breakfast burger.

They already put bacon and sausage on breakfast sandwiches. And now Chick-fil-a is offering chicken breakfast sandwiches.

I mean, who's to say what types of meats should be available at certain times of day?

Obviously, you wouldn't want some half-pound behemoth. But something done tastefully and AM-appropriate could fly.

I've had experiences where I was going out for breakfast, and maybe it took too long to get to the place or whatever, but I had already switched over to lunch mode, so I ordered a burger.

Nothing wrong with that.

Right?

Now if we could just channel that into some socially acceptable meal, we would be sitting pretty.

Maybe the patty is smaller, or thinner, than a normal burger. Maybe the bun is as well. Maybe the bun is a little sweeter than normal?

Most of the toppings would still work - fried onions over raw, probably. Lettuce and tomato both work. Maybe fried tomatoes and hold the lettuce? Bacon, obviously, has no problem showing up on a breakfast burger.

And hash browns on the side are cool. Even fries are fine.

I don't know, just an idea.

I'm kinda hungry for a burger.

Putting Some Thought Into Burger Construction

You know those t-shirts that have a picture of a burger on the back, and all the ingredients are spaced apart?






























I guess it's kind of like that, but usually a little more whimsical, with arrows pointing where the ingredients go and maybe written with a funny font.

























There we go. Although it's not technically a burger.

Anyway, they have a very specific way their burgers are put together, and you gotta respect that. When I am making a burger myself, and have all the fix'ins ready to go, I usually freestyle and put things where I want. Sometimes I will rest the meat on a bed of shredded lettuce. Sometimes everything will go on top of the burger. Sometimes I will tuck some fried onions underneath the cheese. Whatever works, you know?

I recently heard a comment about how nothing should go under the burger, because the bun needs to be able to soak up the juices. I like the thought process there. Instead of just putting ingredients on willy-nilly, some actualy thought went into it. I usually just put it together in a way that gets all the ingredients on the burger, without really going into the structural integrity of the sandwich.

Maybe that should change.

Thoughts?

Is there a certain way you like to construct a burger? Do you have hard-and-fast rules about toppings placement, or are you more fly by the seat of your pants?

If Men Were Burgers

A Roy Halladay burger would probably be made with the finest meat available. Not that Kobe beef shit...'cuz everyone knows that is for pussies. But real meat, like USDA super ultimate prime or whatever.

It would be cooked rare to medium rare and have one slice of either American or cheddar cheese.

The best thing about this is it's as simple as you can get - but as long as you get the ingredients exactly right, you can't fuck with it. I repeat (and sorry to be vulgar, but I am passionate about these Phillies): You. Cannot. Fuck. With this burger.

Just like a searing hot fastball cutting across the plate, followed by a sexy little change-up. If you do it better than everybody else...look out.

You know how our boy Cole is gonna roll. Whether it's regular beef or some kind of turkey/veggie deal, he is rocking avocado and a chipotle aioli. But not too spicy. On game days he will probably get that wrapped in a lettuce leaf instead of a bun (too many carbs).

If I had to peg Oswalt down right now, I would go with a BBQ sauce/onion rings burger. Sure, it's probably just because he is from Texas, but let me tell you a quick story:

During the NLCS last year, Oswalt was in the middle of a pitch when the umpire called time for the batter. When that happens, the Ump throws his arms out and backs away from home plate. The batter also steps out of the batter's box. In this situation the pitcher has to throw it, otherwise he will risk pulling or tearing something by stopping the throwing motion so suddenly. Normally they just toss it high against the backstop, or throw a real meatball down the middle of the plate. Oswalt, however, threw the most ridiculous, 12-6 curveball you have ever seen in your life. The thing went from like 3 feet over the batter's head to smack-dab in the middle of the cather's glove. A perfect strike. And the best part was he framed that fucker, holding his pose like he had just sunk a game-tying three-pointer or drove a golf ball 300 yards straight down the fairway. I found it hilarious and awesome.

Now, maybe that doesn't have much to do with a Western Whopper, but it is pretty sweet.

So....

I guess that leaves Cliff?

Who's to say what kind of burger Cliff Lee would be? I mean, he's Cliff Lee.

It's probably a burger cooler than I can imagine. Some sort of perfect topping arrangement that made the waiter stop in his tracks. The chef probably smacked himself in the head like, "why didn't I think of that?"

Needless to say, it tastes fucking awwe-some (falsetto)!

So there you have it.

Oh wait, I forgot one thing:

I am the fifth starter.

I will have my burger on a nicely toasted Kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and onion. Ketchup and mustard on the burger, light mayo on the buns. Oh, and a pickle and chips on the side, please.

Thank you.

Eat More Meat

Even though European burger tours are strictly held Spring through Fall, this isn't your ordinary European burger tour. This is Rob and Jimmy's European Burger Tour starring Northern Liberties, and we like to do things a little bit differently around here.

So we decided on a "reverse tour" idea, where the burgers came to us. Well, not exactly. I had to go pick them up. But we ate them on a couch, that's the point.

The burger place in question is called Sketch. I ordered mushrooms on a burger for the first time.

I don't want to get into too many details on how we ranked them. I will say that we ranked them based on taste and mouthfeel. Let me rephrase that. If we had ranked them, we would have ranked them based on taste and moutfeel.

We never did get around to ranking them.

But we are doing a European Burger Tour in the middle of the winter, so give us a break!

What I want everyone to focus on is that I ordered mushrooms on a burger for the first time. They may have come on a burger I ordered in the past before, but I have never specifically ordered them.

They tasted great.

And I know New Year's was almost a month ago, but this is our first post since January 1, so it's almost like I am acting on my New Year's Resolution to try new things.

Maybe everyone should go out and try something new. Order honey mustard instead of BBQ, or regular instead of unleaded.

It worked great for me.

Actually, my New Year's resolution was to eat more meat. But it works either way.