If Men Were Burgers

A Roy Halladay burger would probably be made with the finest meat available. Not that Kobe beef shit...'cuz everyone knows that is for pussies. But real meat, like USDA super ultimate prime or whatever.

It would be cooked rare to medium rare and have one slice of either American or cheddar cheese.

The best thing about this is it's as simple as you can get - but as long as you get the ingredients exactly right, you can't fuck with it. I repeat (and sorry to be vulgar, but I am passionate about these Phillies): You. Cannot. Fuck. With this burger.

Just like a searing hot fastball cutting across the plate, followed by a sexy little change-up. If you do it better than everybody else...look out.

You know how our boy Cole is gonna roll. Whether it's regular beef or some kind of turkey/veggie deal, he is rocking avocado and a chipotle aioli. But not too spicy. On game days he will probably get that wrapped in a lettuce leaf instead of a bun (too many carbs).

If I had to peg Oswalt down right now, I would go with a BBQ sauce/onion rings burger. Sure, it's probably just because he is from Texas, but let me tell you a quick story:

During the NLCS last year, Oswalt was in the middle of a pitch when the umpire called time for the batter. When that happens, the Ump throws his arms out and backs away from home plate. The batter also steps out of the batter's box. In this situation the pitcher has to throw it, otherwise he will risk pulling or tearing something by stopping the throwing motion so suddenly. Normally they just toss it high against the backstop, or throw a real meatball down the middle of the plate. Oswalt, however, threw the most ridiculous, 12-6 curveball you have ever seen in your life. The thing went from like 3 feet over the batter's head to smack-dab in the middle of the cather's glove. A perfect strike. And the best part was he framed that fucker, holding his pose like he had just sunk a game-tying three-pointer or drove a golf ball 300 yards straight down the fairway. I found it hilarious and awesome.

Now, maybe that doesn't have much to do with a Western Whopper, but it is pretty sweet.

So....

I guess that leaves Cliff?

Who's to say what kind of burger Cliff Lee would be? I mean, he's Cliff Lee.

It's probably a burger cooler than I can imagine. Some sort of perfect topping arrangement that made the waiter stop in his tracks. The chef probably smacked himself in the head like, "why didn't I think of that?"

Needless to say, it tastes fucking awwe-some (falsetto)!

So there you have it.

Oh wait, I forgot one thing:

I am the fifth starter.

I will have my burger on a nicely toasted Kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and onion. Ketchup and mustard on the burger, light mayo on the buns. Oh, and a pickle and chips on the side, please.

Thank you.