Hot Dogs v. Hamburgers

America Day is fast approaching, and there is nothing more American than a burger.

(maybe hot dogs?)

Actually, yeah. Maybe hot dogs. Let's think about this for a second....

Okay, here we go. 5 rounds to determine the more American meat sandwich.

Cook-outs are extremely American. Grilling meat on an open flame while getting steadily drunk, and then shooting firecrackers into your neighbor's yard? I'm pretty sure that's why George Washington bombed the British. And what is the number one thing to have at a cook-out? Hamburgers and hotdogs.

Round 1: Tie

Okay, so we are tied after one round, but here is why I think hot dogs may be able to edge out hamburgers on the More American scale: hot dog eating contests.

Jamming hot dogs down our faces is as American as apple pie...or at least as American as jamming apple pie down our faces.

When you combine one awesome thing (like eating) with another awesome thing (like competition), you are following the blueprints that made this country what it is.

So the hot dog eating contest is another extremely American thing, like cook-outs, except top billing is clearly reserved for the hot dog.

Round 2: Hot dogs

So we've got cook-outs and hot-dog eating contests, what else is American? Oh, right. Baseball.

What do you eat at a baseball game? Hot dogs.

Damn, this is not looking good for hamburgers.

Round 3: Hot dogs

Next I'm going to take a look at toppings. Getting to choose whatever you want to put on your food, and in whatever quantity, is the number one reason why I live in this country. (Anyone who has been to Europe knows what I'm talking about. They keep their ketchup packets under lock and key over there...and the stuff is barely even ketchup. I'm pretty sure they are going to start putting coin slots on the salt and pepper shakers soon enough.)

Anyway, which food is more topping/condiment/fix-in ready? Well, hamburgers go great with the standard LTO, and you can mix in ketchup, mustard, mayo, BBQ, or a number of other sauces. Plus, you can get specialty burgers with bacon, fancy cheeses, peppers, fried eggs, whatever.

And guess what? You can do pretty much the same thing with hot dogs these days. Grab that puppy and drag it through the garden - lettuce, tomato, onion, celery salt, peppers, relish, ketchup, mustard, bacon, chili, again, whatever.

Round 4: Tie

It's not looking good for hamburger, but there is one last round, and as the lightning round, it is worth 3 points. Also, it is not so much a round as it is a story.

In the spring of 1774, Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were wrestling with an alligator in the Pennsylvania swamps. After subduing it, they got into a huge argument about who would have "first dibs" with said gator.

TJ's argument was valid - Benny Franks was a well-known womanizer, and Jefferson did not want to catch a case of whatever it is he had. Also, just last week they had tricked a goat into coming back with them after a night at the local tavern, and Franklin got to go first that time. So it seemed like it should have been TJ's chance to go first. However, Franklin had called dibs.

The two men argued over that fateful night, which had led to a case of crabs for both TJ and the gator, for about 2 years. Finally, all their friends, sick of seeing them fight, invited them to a party. The original argument was restored that day, and all the talk about fairness and equality when it comes to dibs inspired these men so much that they sat down right there and banged out a declaration.

Oh, and at this party, do you know what was being served? Hamburgers!

That's right, America was founded by hamburgers.

Round 5: Hamburgers (3 points)

Final Tally

Hot Dogs: 4

Hamburgers: 5

Congratulations, hamburgers! You are a true king among men.

It is days like these that make me proud to be on a European Burger Tour Starring Northern Liberties!

Oh, and don't be fooled. European Burger Tours are one of the most American things a man can do.